Let me tell you something, folks. If you’re even thinking about doing an IRONMAN® triathlon, you must be out of your mind. I mean, come on. Who in their right mind would want to swim, bike, and run for over 12 hours straight? Unless you’re a masochist, I highly suggest you avoid this feat of endurance. Here are Ten reasons why you should never consider training for IRONMAN®, and only ONE why you should.
1. Sure, the idea of being a super-fit athlete sounds enticing, but the reality is that it requires hours upon hours of grueling training every week. That means sacrificing precious hours of Netflix binging, snacking, and generally lazing around on the couch. Who wants to do that?
2. Your body is going to smell bad. I'm not talking about post-workout sweat. I'm talking about a smell that can clear a room. You'll be amazed at the things your body can produce after a day of swimming, biking, and running. Just be sure to let your loved ones know before you hug them.
3. Your Gear Will Smell Worse. While your body will develop its own unique odor, the stench of your training kit/clothes will be off the charts! It's like your sweat has its unique ecosystem that thrives on the fibers of your clothes. And even if you wash your clothes right away, they still come out smelling like a combination of week-old garbage and a locker room. It's like your clothes are holding a grudge against you for putting them through such intense workouts. Oh, but you will, at least once, attempt to wear your insanely smelly cycling kit because you couldn’t find time to wash your gear, and you need to put time in on the bike. It's like you're wearing a stinky superhero costume that repels anyone who gets too close.
4. Chafing, oh, the chafing. If you've never experienced the joys of chafing, count yourself lucky. It's like a combination of a sunburn and a rug burn but in all the worst places. It is like that annoying relative who overstays their welcome. It's a real problem that you can't shake off. All that running, biking and swimming will cause you to chafe in places you didn't even know existed. And let's be honest, no one wants to use a chafing cream. It's like putting toothpaste on a paper cut; it only makes things worse. But what are your options? To grit your teeth and bear it? That's like choosing between a rock and a hard place, except the rock is made of sandpaper, and the hard place is a cactus. Ouch!
5. The cost is absurd! Let's break down the costs involved in participating in an IRONMAN® triathlon. There's the entry fee, which can be anywhere from $700 to over $1,000. Then you'll need a top-of-the-line bike, which can easily run you another few thousand dollars. And let's not forget about the expensive wetsuit, running shoes, and other gear required. Who has that kind of money to throw around? And for what? A shiny medal and a lifetime of debt?
6. And then there is the diet. The diet is worse than getting a toddler to eat broccoli. You’ll have to give up your love for junk food and embrace a diet filled with kale smoothies, protein shakes, gels, bars, and whatever the newest foodie trend is in endurance sports. But seriously, what's the point of living if you can't indulge in some ice cream and pizza every once in a while? I'll take my pizza with extra cheese and double pepperoni; thank you very much. If pizza is wrong, I don't want to be right.
7. You'll be more exhausted than a toddler who just finished a game of "run around and scream because said toddler doesn’t want to eat said broccoli" Once you start training for an Ironman, you'll be too tired to do anything else. So say goodbye to your social life, your Netflix binge-watching sessions, and your ability to stay awake through a whole movie. Hello, endless naps! You'll be like a sloth on a gel sugar high, collapsing into a pile of pillows every chance you get.
8. Your toenails may fall off. This is not a joke. After months of training and pounding the pavement, your toenails may start to detach from your toes. And trust me, it's not a pretty sight. Make sure you have some sandals on hand for the days when your feet look like something out of a horror movie, which means this is the ONLY time when socks with sandals are OK.
9. The risks and potential injuries that come with training for an Ironman triathlon are not to be taken lightly. Your body is a temple, and putting it through that kind of torture is sacrilege. It's like putting a Prius through a demolition derby; it's just not meant to handle that kind of abuse. Save yourself the stress, the pain, and the chafing, and stick to something less extreme. Like knitting. Or gardening. Or watching paint dry.
10. There is no guarantee of finishing. Even if you make it through all the training, there's no guarantee that you'll actually finish the race. Anything from cramps to dehydration to simply hitting a mental wall can bring you to a screeching halt. And let's not forget about the dreaded DNF (Did Not Finish) next to your name.
So, after all of this, what could be the one BIG reason to train for an IRONMAN Triathlon?
The ONE Big reason to train for an IRONMAN is that you'll learn that anything is possible. In a world where it's easy to give up and settle for mediocrity, the Ironman triathlon reminds us that we can achieve incredible things. It reminds us that we have the power to overcome obstacles and conquer our fears. It's a journey of self-discovery, of pushing past your limits, and of finding strength, you never knew you had. When you cross that finish line, you're not just finishing a race; you're finishing a test of your willpower, determination, and perseverance. And that's a feeling that will stay with you for the rest of your life.
Ready to begin your One Reason?
Thanks for reading!